


i'll try anything once

by superlyns



Category: Super Junior, Super Junior-M
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-12-30
Updated: 2011-12-30
Packaged: 2018-02-12 15:30:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,012
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2115150
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/superlyns/pseuds/superlyns
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>inevitably, heechul changes everything — as if there weren't enough changes in your life already.</p>
            </blockquote>





	i'll try anything once

> **10 decisions shape your life,**   
> **you’ll be aware of 5 about.**   
> **when i said “i can see me in your eyes”**   
> **you said “i can see you in my bed”.**   
> **that’s not just friendship that’s romance too.**

 

 

 

Heechul doesn't have any limits, any inhibitions. Or at least that's what you think when you observe him with careful eyes, stilted Korean on your tongue waiting to stumble out of your mouth, "Heechul, maybe you shouldn't—", but you don't say anything because this is Kim fucking Heechul and he can kiss anyone he wants on stage if it pleases him. He can also slip into your bed whenever he likes and you won't say a thing about his ice-cold feet because his head sort of fits perfectly in the crook of your neck and he presses kisses to your jaw, light fingers over yout chest and your ribs, barely there that if you don't concentrate yourself enough you'll miss them. You don't sleep that night because you're oh so aware of the fact that he's in your arms, chest rising and falling silently, feet (still freezing cold) stroking up your calf as he shifts in his sleep and moan on your shoulder. You just stay very still, careful not to wake him up. He stumbles out of your bead a few minutes before your alarm is supposed to ring and gets out of your room without a word — and this is where your risk yourself to move a bit and realize that your whole body is stiff and aching from the night and that your eyelids are hurting.

 

(But, deep down, you don't regret anything and you know too well not to say a thing when Heechul says over breakfast that this is the best sleep he's had in ages without even shooting a glance at you.)

 

 

 

 

★

 

He makes the rules and you sort of follow them diligently even if it means going out of your comfort zone sometimes.

"You have to _live_ , Han Geng. This is your opportunity to shine," Heechul tells you. He's got one hand on the door handle, ready to step out of the dorm at half past two in the morning because he's suddenly craving for ice cream.

"Are you su—", you begin to say but you stop abruptly when you see the look on Heechul's face. He's still wearing his pajamas, having only thrown on a washed-out red hoodie to hide the cat pattern t-shirt he sleeps in, and there's a pair of sunglasses hanging off the collar of his hoodie even if it's pitch-dark outside. If you asked him, you know that he'd answer you that this is just to _spice things up and hide from the fans waiting outside the dorm_ and then you'd retort that sunglasses and a hoodie aren't going to trick the sharp eyes of the fans but he'd give you another one of his glare and he'd take your hand in his, shutting the door behind yourselves before you could say anything else.

This is what he does anyway, taking your hand in his and shutting the door before he presses the button for the elevator urgently, stroking his thumb over the back of your hand as you step out of the building. There are no fans waiting tonight, but that doesn't stop you from finding it hard to breathe and look around suspiciously as you walk towards the convenience store just a few blocks away from the dorm.

 

"Heechul, we weren't actually running out of ice cream, were we?" You ask as you open up the freezer to put away what you've just bought.

Heechul looks up from his ice cream cone, the slightest hint of tongue peeking out of his mouth as he does, and he doesn't need to say anything for you to understand what this was all about.

Ice cream is way out of your diet but you still grab a pint from the freezer and settles down on the couch next to him. Heechul sighs and gets closer to you, so close that some of his ice cream drips onto your thigh but it doesn't matter to him because he dips one finger into your pint of ice cream to taste it.

"Not bad," he says simply and puts his head on your shoulder as he finishes his own ice cream.

_Yeah, not bad_ , you think, wondering for the umpteenth time how did it come to this — this intimacy, these quiet moments after the storm (variety shows and radio appearances and interviews and music shows and Heechul needing just a smile to make you pliant and have you following him at night to the convenience store). So far, you didn't find an answer.

 

 

 

 

★

 

You think that you used to have some sort of comfort zone, that one safe space where you could shelter in times of doubt, where you could relax and feel at ease whatever situation you were in.

But that was when you were still in China, just a kid studying in Beijing, already far away from home and already the pride of your hometown. That was before you became the pride of the whole nation, debuting in South Korea, further away from home but still charming countless MCs with your soft-spoken Korean and gentle eye-smile and— this was actually before you met Kim Heechul and the first thing he did before he even introduced himself was rambling about how he hadn't gotten enough sleep the night before and how he would do _anything_ for a greasy hamburger complete with greasy French fries because _fuck, that diet is such a pain in the ass_ and you could only nod as he talked and talked because you only understood a word out of four from what he was saying.

 

Inevitably, Heechul changes everything — as if there weren't enough changes in your life already.

 

 

 

 

★

 

Heechul sort of pushes all the right buttons. He's the kind of guy your mother used to warn you about when you were just a kid about to leave for his first day of school. _Don't hang out with them, they're no good for you, they'll ruin your life._ But everyone's attracted to the forbidden, just to feel the taste of the unknown mixed with fear and danger and think _this is wrong, this is_ oh so _wrong_ when, truth be told, nothing ever felt so right.

Heechul is, and you cringe mentally when you think of this, ridiculously good-looking and charming and this is why he attracts you in the first place, pushing all the right buttons and making you fall for him. But under the smiles and the good looks are his attitude and sharp tongue and you don't really know how to deal with that.

On some days Heechul sticks to your side, wraps his arms around your neck and puts his head on your shoulder after long dance practices. Other days he snaps at everyone and eats his lunch on his own, deliberately avoiding everyone else. But before you know it your shoulders are touching as you both brush your teeth and Heechul flicks your cheek and calls you stupid for ignoring him all day long and— there is no way to deal with this, you think, there is no definite way to deal with Heechul because he is just so spontaneous and unpredictable and you just have to let things be. This whole impulsiveness thing pushes buttons you weren't even aware of.

 

 

 

 

★

 

 

(You remember that time you met him, when he couldn't stop talking and you didn't understand a thing and you spent five minutes straight figuring out how to say _I have to leave, I have an appointment with my vocal coach_ perfectly and ended up mumbling something that only made him blink at you. He didn't answer and you never knew whether or not your sentence was right. He just asked for your phone and punched in his phone number in your contact list, typing in a ♥ next to his name. _Heechul,_ you tried out in your head because you were too afraid to butcher the prononciation in front of him.)

 

 

 

 

★

 

There are times where you stare out the window of the van driving you to yet another schedule wondering what's going to happen when _this_ is all over. You realise how meaningless life is going to feel when it's over, when there are no more _who the ate all the ramyun?_ and _goddamnit, han geng this was_ my _shampoo not yours_ and hands sneaking past the waistband of your underwear at night and whispers in corridors and _han geng han geng han geng, do not stop ngh_ , when everything collapses and leaves you empty and useless.

You think of what life used to be before, back in Beijing— no, _before_ Beijing, back in Mudanjiang when you played with Juzheng after school in the park near your houses, careless and uninterested about your future — because it was already all planned out for you, the school you'd have to get in (Fudan), the girl you'd have to marry (Xiaodan), the house you'd have to inhabit (your grand-parents'), the job you'd have to choose (doctor), the number of kids you'd have (one), everything cautiously planned out by your parents, leaving you with no choice, no opportunities for spur of the moment actions, no liberties.

You were seven years old at the time, waiting patiently for each Sunday to arrive because on Sundays your mother made you guōtiē when you came back from your dance class. Dance class already, only two hours a week but you liked it and the teacher said you were the best student she'd ever had. But dance was not included in your parents' plans and you'd have to drop it as soon as your first exams rolled in, they had told you over dinner and you had nodded quickly, not really understanding why they made such a great deal out of this. There were lots of things you didn't understand at the time, the continuous peer-pressure, your parents' desire for you to accomplish _something_ in life, but not something extravagant or out of the ordinary, just something standard and traditional.

And then you turned twelve and left for Beijing and years, years later, you understood why your mother cried on that day and why your father didn't speak a word, lips pressed in a tight line and disappointment all over his face. But you didn't get it fully at the time, it only hits you later when Heechul's pressing your back against the bathroom tiles, biting your shoulder blades and pressing kisses to your chest and it's already been weeks, no, _months_ of this and you can't really change things because only yesterday you learned that they'd remove the '05' from Super Junior 05 and that you'd become a permanent thing, complete with a thirteenth member and new songs.

You neither regret it nor want to turn back time. Because in the end your parents are proud of what you do nowadays (and your father hasn't lost hope for you to marry Xiaodan one day) and you might be a little bit (completely) infatuated with Heechul — and that's enough for you to be happy.

So you stare out the window, thinking about how helpless you'd be if things ended and you were left with nothing but memories and if you had to compose the rest of your life with pointless moments. As if on cue, Heechul grabs your hand and squeezes it lightly, without looking away as he carries on his conversation with Jungsu and you can't help but think that this is worth the comfort zone you've lost, the limits you've pushed back, the crazy things you've done with (for, sometimes) him.

 

 

 

 

★

 

(There's no one else able to convince you to get out to grab ddeokbokki from the street vendor across your dorm when it's -10°C outside and no one else allowed to hold back Heechul's hair while he clings to the toilet bowl after one too many shots of soju anyway.)

 

 


End file.
